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Thanks to Mohan for this, and comments from Sandeep and John...

HEY YOU!!!

FED UP OF BEING A LOSER?!!!

IS THE CONSTANT THREAT OF UNEMPLOYMENT GETTING YOU DOWN?!!

WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF YOUR LIFE AND SERVE THE COUNTRY AT THE SAME TIME?!!!

If the answer to any of the above questions is YES!!!!!! Then don't delay!!!! JOIN THE LOS ANGELES COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT TODAY!!!!!!

For the small sum of only $19.99, our crack team of experts will turn you from zero to hero in 60 mins... or 44 minutes if you choose not to take a break in between.....

WHAT?!!!!! I hear you say?!!!! I CAN BECOME A CTU AGENT IN JUST AN HOUR?!!! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?!!!

Yes folks this is not a typo. I repeat.. THIS IS NOT A TYPU. While it has widely been rumoured that training to become a CTU agent involves many many grueling months of physical and mental training, this is in fact not true. Here's what CTU TODAY will teach YOU!!!!!!!!!

- For no extra charge... our team of experts will wipe out your first name from your identification documents. No CTU agent EVER uses their first name while in the field, ESPECIALLY when answering the phone. Only friends and family use the first name, and this is an academic point... Read on to find out WHY!!!!!

- Our experts will work tirelessly to rid of you of the dreaded Y word - YES. It is common knowledge that the word 'Yes' is surplus to requirements even for entry level CTU agents. In just 5 short hours you will learn the words 'Understood', 'Copy' and 'Roger' - the only ways to answer in the affirmative.

- Our most decorated officer Jack Bauer has taken time out of his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Therapy to give an exclusive class on correct usage of expletives whilst out in the field.(Disclaimer: Please note however that Agent Bauer himself is still undergoing training himself in this area, and as a result in only qualified to give instruction on correct usage of the words 'Dammit' and 'Sonofabitch'. Our heartfelt apologies to all enthusiasts of the C word...)

- Were you one of those sad losers who used to visit the little boy's/girls room at least once a day? Could your friends and family set their watches by your bowels?!! Well not any more!!! We at CTU TODAY believe that the bathroom is SOOOOOOO last year!! Leave it in our hands, and by the end of the day... WE GUARANTEE YOU A BLADDER AND BOWELS OF STEEL.....!!!!!!!

- UNIQUE ADVANCEMENT OPPORTUNITIES!!!!! Keep your eyes and ears open... for there's always somebody having conversations with people that they shouldn't be... With our unique 'Blackmailing and Bootlicking' module... the promotion that you so desperately want but aren't even remotely qualified for could be yours.

BUT WAIT.... THERE'S MORE!!!!

- If you've previously been a CTU agent but have either resigned or fired for conduct unbecoming of a CTU agent... such as treason for example.. NEVER FEAR!!! There's ALWAYS a job waiting for you... Just look at this testimony from Special Agent Tony Almeida: "Well.... I lost my job at CTU for reasons I'd rather not go into right now... But thanks to the ever escalating threat of international terrorism.. I was out of jail and back at CTU within the year... and I DIDN'T EVEN need an interview!!! It really is who you know!!!"

- AND THAT'S NOT ALL!!!!!!!! Fancy your chances with the bad guys, but worried that you might bite off more than you can chew?!! Well NEVER fear! Freelancer Nina Myers will teach YOU all you need to know about Making a Deal. Choose from a wide range of options such as 'Complete freedom from arrest', 'Expunging of Criminal Record', or our low budget 'Chopper to Tijuana in return for Sensitive Information' option. Ms Myers will ensure that you make the deal that's tailored specifically to YOUR needs!!!

BUT AS IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH!!!! ......For a limited period only... Sign up before Christmas.... and We'll throw in our bonus course.. CTU relationship counselling... ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!! Just take a look at these glowing testimonials:

"I signed up for CTU Relationship Couselling after my marriage hit the rocks... and things between me and Teri were never better after that...." - Jack Bauer (Teri Bauer was sadly unavailabe for comment)

"Thanks to CTU Relationship Counselling... Things between Kate and I have never been better" - Jack Bauer (Sadly, Kate Warner's new Husband denied permission for us to use Kate's testimonial..)

- "Thanks to CTU Relationship Counselling.. Things between Audrey and I have never been better" - Jack Bauer (again....) ( you get the idea.....)

"If only I'd taken the Mountain Lion Dodging course...." - Kim Bauer

STILL READING THIS?!!! WHY FOR GODSAKES?!!!!! DON'T BE A CHUMP. Sign up for 'CTU Today' next week... I mean TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And for a limited time only... we'll throw in our exclusive CTU clock ABSOLUTELY free!!!!!!

(Please note: Due to circumstances beyond our control the CTU clock may periodically skip a few minutes here and there. We at CTU Today assure you that this is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about...)

CTU TODAY..... WE GUARANTEE YOU THE LONGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE... OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

(Legal disclaimer - this is all made up, so please nobody sue us!)